BODY DYSMORPHIA AND BODY NEUTRALITY

When I was fresh out of high school, and going into my first year of university in Ghana, my friends and I would go to the malls nigh daily. I spent more time rummaging through the stock at Numero Uno at the Marina Mall and Mr Price at the Accra Mall than I care to admit. I also spent more time in their dressing rooms close to tears and frustrated with my body than I care to admit. I only learned the word for it last year, but body dysmorphia has defined my relationship with my body for as long as I can remember. As our world now increasingly promotes body positivity, I have found something slightly different that I think helps my relationship with my body better– body neutrality. The journey has been arduous, long, and harmful at points but I am gradually trying to get to a place where I can look at my body, actually just see it for what it is, and move on.

Body dysmorphia manifests in different ways for the different people who experience it but in my experience, I know that I have never looked at my body and liked it, or seen it like a third part onlooker would. The disappointment I felt with my body ranged from wishing I looked more like some Victoria Secret model, to feeling honestly a little grotesque. Being dark skinned, I internalized a lot of anti-dark skin messaging; I especially internalized the hyper-sexualization and hyper-masculinization of dark women to the point where I always felt like my body was just…excessive. In college in the States, this combined with ‘Big Black Girl Syndrome’ so I felt like I was too visible, took up too much space– and I took it out on my body. I constantly willed it to be smaller and smaller, and I often went to unhealthy lengths to make it so.

HEALING FROM BODY DYSMORPHIA

My relationship with my body has come a very long way, and even though I still have a bit of a net negative outlook on it, I’m learning to move on from what my body looks like. It’s not quite the exciting messaging of body positivity but it is what makes sense for me and the place I am in right now. My work as a content creator means that I have to look at myself constantly, and so getting to a place where I can look at myself without obsessing over some detail or feeling miserable about what I see is an incredible milestone. The relationship I have with myself now, which I think ‘body neutrality’ is the right term for, is one where I can see my body without basing all of my understanding of my own personhood on the image I see.

I can look at myself and acknowledge my body; acknowledge that what I see as flaws are likely projections I am making that do not actually exist. I can turn that into an acceptance of my body that isn’t quite yet celebration, but is also far from the derogation I once subjected it to. I also accept that my body is not everything– what my body looks like is not my defining factor, and I can move on from it. In this space of neutrality, I have successfully crossed over from obsessive behavior and that’s something I celebrate.

I think I am gradually learning to actually see myself, and that’s something I am thankful for. I still have days when I don’t love how I look, but overall, I think my relationship with myself is healthier. If you are dealing with this too, I do encourage you to talk to someone you trust about it. It gets easier to deal with once you acknowledge what it is and can actively work against it.