WHY I’M CONSIDERING A CHILDFREE FUTURE
I talk quite openly on my social media about my feelings about marriage and how meaningful it is to me that *women (recognizing class privilege and that single women still have to navigate patriarchy) more increasingly have the option to opt-out of it. I think the idea of a long-term partner is great but find that, particularly heterosexual, marriage disadvantages women, serves to further the state’s ownership of our personhood, and legitimizes patriarchy. Even good marriages cannot escape the ‘women-as-property’ roots of the institution.
I’ve found that being open about that stance has started some interesting conversations in my online community, and I’ve had other women share their own disinvestment in marriage. Something I haven’t shared as easily, though, is my intention to remain childfree by choice. It’s a difficult subject as fertility and child-bearing is a touchy conversation, and I have no intentions of minimizing the desire for children that others might have. I only find that there aren’t a lot of young black women online who talk about choosing to be unmarried and childfree, and I wanted to create the space for the conversation if others were looking to have it.
MY THOUGHTS ON A CHILDFREE FUTURE
Typically, this is where I would announce that even if I want to be childfree, I absolutely love children and I’m excited to be an aunt or godmother to other people’s children. For me, that isn’t true. I’ve never been the one to coo at a baby or feel the desire to pick up a toddler. I have never really felt a maternal pull, desire to have a baby, or desire to care for others’. I, of course, treat children with respect and care, but I am no more invested than I am in anything else. And growing up, I would be told that I would grow out if it, or to wait till I was older. As that has happened, my feelings have not changed.
What has been the most clarifying for me, has been that when I have listened to people with children describe the experience and how much they enjoy it, I have not felt a desire for the same. Whenever I have done a visualization exercise of my ideal life or where I see myself in the future, I have not imagined children in that future. It’s been a somewhat difficult realization to come to over the last few years- not because I’m unhappy with the idea, but because it’s felt as if I was doing something wrong. As if I was going against nature and would certainly have regrets for refusing to do the thing I was given a uterus for? Surely? As I have thought of it over time, I see no regrets in my future. I only see a life that I deeply love and am endlessly excited to watch unfold.
There are many ways that social pressures push us to conform to norms without considering whether they make sense for us, or make us happy. The idea of the life path being school, job, married with kids, retire, has been so ingrained that it can feel daunting to imagine a reality outside of it. And that’s entirely understandable. It’s a big part of why I wanted to share this– to give you the permission, if you cannot grant it to yourself, to pursue something different.
And if you have ever been called selfish, weird, immature, or ‘feminist’ as a pejorative term, for expressing a desire to be childfree. You’re certainly not alone. But the people saying that definitely aren’t correct about you. If the idea of being child-free leaves you feeling free, joyful, content with your life and choices- that’s all you need. If further down the line you change your mind about it, that’s also valid. Neither of those things is a decision you need to justify to anyone.
I would love to hear your thoughts if you are also considering a childfree future, and how that journey has been for you. I hope that my experience is in some way affirming or reassuring for you, and that you are able to honor yourself in whatever choice you make.
Love,
Amoafoa.
You write what I don’t have the courage to talk about or even dare to entertain even as a thought
I really hope you’re able to find the support you need.
Absolutely enjoyed this read! I grew up and found myself asking this question: do i want kids or not?? To be honest i was unsure at first and going with the flow of life and after the birth of my nephew i knew it was certain that i wanted kids and to raise a family! Some people want one, some want none, others want 10! Screw what people say about your life. You get to feel bad about for a second… but only for a second because they have no idea how to live your life for you. They are projecting and you don’t ever have to live on anyones terms!
BTW i am excited to follow your journey of creating exactly the life that you want😍😍
Thank you so much for this comment! I’m excited to share where this self-defining journey takes me.
This is a beautiful article. What matters most is that you are happy and content with your choices. Cheers to an amazing life 🥂
This is a beautiful article. What matters most is that we are happy and content with the choices we make. Cheers to an amazing life🥂
Exactly!
Felt the same way since I was a kid. Like I tell my friends, I don’t mind hanging out with a kid for a few hours, but at the end of the day, i want to be able to handover the kid back to it’s parents and go home child free. However they keep insisting I’ll have a change of mind all because, I always bring the most thoughtful of presents and a load of bonbon to boot for their kids.
I’m not the maternal kind, despite being an empath. On the other hand, I love companionship, so I’m open to cohabitation or marriage with someone I love who also wants a child free life.
Life is too transient to live pleasing other.
I feel this same way! Kids love me lool but I’m very happy to hand them back at the end of a few hours. I’m sure you’ll find someone who feels the same way. More and more, people I know are a little ambivalent about children.